I've been struggling lately. You know, the kind of struggling where your close friends and family check in on you a little too often and start out the conversation with, "Sooooo,...how are you?". Trying to gage if today is an okay day or another day that has swallowed you up whole.
I'm realizing that some seasons just swallow you up whole. You can put on your big girl panties and try to make the most of it. You can beat your warrior chest and try to fight off the sadness, darkness, and demons. You can be zen like and take good care of yourself, take deep breaths, and go on walks. But regardless, the season has swallowed you up whole and being a high functioning sad person is the new norm...for now at least.
There is a lot of logic in the decisions that have got me here, unfortunately though, my emotions haven't followed my logic. I've rearranged my life in my head a million different ways with a million new situations and decisions, and still I find myself knowing that the logic that has led me to the swallowed up season is the path I'm supposed to be on.
I got a crazy good massage recently, full of essential oils, dim lighting, and peaceful music. It was the kind of massage that makes you forget about time and space and somehow you're teleported to some other reality. Every time I let the masseuse do her magic and I forget she even exists, I ALWAYS think of creation. How Father God massaged and molded my soul, body, and mind into being like a potter massages and molds a lump of clay. How He took intricate detail while massaging into existence every fiber in me and how His hands continues to mold and shape me through every situation and circumstance. His hands are ever-present. Comforting. Guiding. Correcting. Shaping. And I just surrender in that moment and think,
"What are You doing?"
Because I don't get it - ever.
Which is eventually followed by,
"I trust You."
Even when I don't want to end up trusting a God who is letting this happen - I end up back there. I trust You. I've despised Him, I've blamed Him, I've thrown up my head and yelled "wtf are you doing up there?!", I've told Him I don't want to believe in a God who is letting everything go to shit, and I end up broken on some floor, bawling, and knowing regardless of how I can't get my head around everything, I'm heard. Which means someone, something, some God is listening. And I feel held. And those hands around my lump of a life makes me feel somehow secure in a overall plan, regardless of whether it's the one that I want for my life or not. As I feel the masseuse rub out knots in my body I come to realize God's hands are rubbing out knots in my head, heart, and soul. That He's moving around old stagnant blood to bring back some movement to areas where fresh blood hasn't been for a long time.
It's hard being honest about being in a season that has swallowed you up whole. Because we all have a lot to be thankful for, because we don't want to sound like we are complaining, because a lot of people have worse situations. Because, because, because,...
"I should be happy."
"Why am I not happy?"
I get it. We've done such a good job of staging our lives and having all the stuff and pushing for happiness and goodness that when something like feeling we have no purpose, or broken dreams, or tragedy starts to swallow us up - we fear how the honesty of our reality will be received by others.
And maybe I'm just a complete shit show and everyone else really is as happy as their Instagram story says they are. Maybe your dark days are just shallow caves compared to the black hole I've been sucked into.
But on the off chance that you're not, maybe you're like me.
Maybe you're feeling like being happy is an uphill battle. Maybe you're trying your hardest to make the most of your situation...and you're just tired of trying. Maybe you've tried to make sense of why the heck you're here and what the heck God is doing and you come up blank every time. Maybe you're grasping for straws of hope, purpose, and happiness and they dissolve in your hands the minute you get a hold of them. Maybe you have felt totally broken for awhile and are trying your best to hold all the broken pieces of your life together. Maybe you have trusted God with your life and look around at the situation and have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT GOD WANTS OR WHAT HE'S DOING.
So if that's you, you should know, me too. I'm with you. I'm for you. I'm swallowed up in here too. If we bring our small flaming candles together we can make a campfire. I have marshmallows. We can talk,..or not. Maybe let's just hold hands.
I don't know why we are here.
But I'll sit here with you in the darkness, looking up to a starry sky and ask a Creator God,
"What are You doing?"
and I hope together we can say eventually afterwards,
"I trust You."