WHO I AM

I get really frustrated at some of the people I love the most.  

The most amazing, beautiful, and inspiring women I know are absolutely convinced they are anything but those adjectives I just previously described them as. They would describe themselves as…otherwise. Let’s just say otherwise. They are heavily influenced by their inadequacies, incapabilities, previous failings, and insecurities. These beautiful women are some of my favorite people in the world, so to witness their incapability of seeing what I see in them in one fell swoop makes them the humble, down to earth people I adore and in another breaks my heart. 

Recently, I was pondering how the last couple of days had been pretty crappy. I too, had lived in a thick cloud of my own inadequacies, incapabilities, failings, and insecurities. A cloud so thick I was suffocating in all I wasn't, all I couldn't do, how I was going to fail, and how incapable I was. I saw clearly for the first time while trying to unravel the crappiness of the past days and in a moment of clarity I said out loud: “I wish I was as aware and convinced of WHO I AM, rather then being so aware and condemned by WHO I AM NOT.” 

Somewhere in my faith, I have translated terminology like “being dead to self” and “sacrificing myself” as not being aware or flexing any sort of dreams, giftings, or talents. I had assumed that being confident and loving myself was extremely vain because thinking anything good about myself was “loving the flesh”. I don’t think those exact words were ever actually interpreted that way to me, but I also wasn't really encouraged to be aware of who I was and the talents, dreams, passions, and capabilities that God has given me making me uniquely me.

But I’ve been hearing God’s voice lately for me and for my favorite people in the world and it’s saying, “If only you could see what I see!”. That voice breezes right up, past, and through me like all the magic of the breeze in The Colors of the Wind and I feel secure. I feel capable. I feel adequate. I feel like enough.

A life devoted to being aware and convinced of WHO I AM and who God has made me to be is worth fighting for, rather than living in the condemning and suffocating reality of who I am not and who I will never be compared to everyone else. That's just the thing though isn't it? To focus on who I am and who God has made ME, I have to stop looking and comparing myself to who God has made everyone else to be. Cause I'm never going to be the bubbly, charming, optimist that everyone instantly loves. But I AM the truth teller that optimists most often can't be. And I'm never going to be the petite figure that feels small compared to most. But I AM a strong, 5"10, size 10 woman that has a body that is capable of swimming in crystal blue oceans, going on long walks with my mom, and reaching for items on the top shelf at the supermarket for all you normal people out there (I do what I can). 

If only you could see how you light up a room when you walk in. If only you could see how you can comfort others in ways no one else can. If only you could see how people delight in your silliness. If only you could see how you do things every day others can't. If only you could see how your passion motivates others. If only you could see how the simplicity of your words and life is a comfort to all around you. If only you could see how your laugh makes everyone else laugh. If only you could see how your gift isn't stupid. 

If “every good and perfect gift comes from above” then why haven’t I been taught and urged to recognize those gifts God has given me and applaud the Creator for them? 

Can you believe some of us can dance? Some of us can make others laugh till they cry. Some of us can accidentally pee their pants when they laugh making us all fall off chairs and roll around on really dirty floors. Some of us can cook freaking bomb food. Some of us can put on their running shoes without crying. Some of us are good listeners. Some of us are just naturally approachable to all. Some of us have really good sense of direction. Some of us just naturally make their home feel like our home. Some of us see needs no one else does. Some of us love kids that aren't even their own.  

Not all of our gifts, talents, dreams, and passions are big flags in the sky that society applauds and celebrates. But I’m realizing it’s important to know, use and applaud them all the same. To know what we CAN do. That we are adequate. That we are valuable. That we are important. That we are capable. That we are enough.